It is part of the human experience, I think, to forget. I don't just mean the "where are my keys?" or "Oops I forgot that appointment" kind of forgetting. I mean that sometimes we have profound, life-changing experiences from which we gain amazing insight into ourselves, our faith, and our world. We think that we will be able to carry that with us forever, only to find that a few months or years down the road we are re-learning the very same lesson.
Why is that?
Why are we so forgetful and short-sighted?
I've been re-learning over the last few days. School will be starting in 32 days, 20 hours, 13 minutes and 2 seconds (thank you, Powerschool). Am I ready? Well, not quite. In fact, I may have already been in tears, waking up at 5am, and unable to go to sleep just thinking about it. It happens every year. I am always terrified to start a new school year. That's another thing about this human experience...we are usually very opposed to change.
Don't misunderstand me. I LOVE my job. I am honored to be doing what I am doing. But, it's scary. It's not a job where I go in, sit at my desk, check Facebook, do work that I don't really care about, go out to lunch, do more work that is not very stimulating, and then go home...glad that I can enjoy a relaxing evening.
Teaching can be grueling. You might be thinking "Whitney, they are nine!" Oh, I know. But teaching is a job where you put yourself out there every single day. You're lucky if you get to eat your lunch during your lunch break...more often you are surreptitiously sneaking it into your mouth while teaching your kids about fractions. Or, using it as a model. "Okay, class, if I eat 1/3 of this banana, how much is left?!"
Teaching can be embarrassing! In my professional career, I have spilled my lunch on myself multiple times, dressed in multiple costumes, have sung to my students, and even, on one memorable occasion, dressed up and danced as Miley Cyrus. Those little angels are quick to point out if your eyes are puffy because you didn't get a lot of sleep (yes, they currently are), if you have marker on your face, food in your teeth, if your hair looks weird, or if your shirt is on backwards.
Teaching is many, many things. Yet, what is the MOST difficult? Teaching is difficult because you can't help but care so much. This caring creates late hours, tears, constant re-writing of lessons, and yes...so much joy.
But, it's hard. If you think that women in general compare themselves, you're right. If you think that LDS women, in particular, tend to be perfectionists...again, I think you're right. Well, what if you have LDS women teachers?! You spend hours searching the internet and your brain for ideas for the perfect bulletin board. You go in early and stay late to put the final finishing touches on it. You proudly walk down the hall...and see 10 other bulletin boards that are eons beyond yours! And they did it in 1 hour. Gross.
It truly is hard not to compare your best to someone else's best. Every woman knows that. So I'm left to give it all that I can, while trying to ignore and even, on my especially altruistic days, be happy for those bulletin board perfectionists!
I was expressing some of this on the phone to my mom today. She reminded me of Pres. Hinckley's dad who once wrote him a letter on his mission that simply said, "Forget yourself and go to work." She had been reading a talk by Elder Holland, where he said that the hardest thing for him to do with young missionaries is to help them develop faith. The first principle of the gospel.
I realized it then. This re-learning moment is not about teaching, not about doing your best, it is, at the root, about faith.
You see, in the last few days I have forgotten some crucial things.
1. This isn't as much about me as it is about the students. I may not know what is always best for them. But, there is Someone who does. He knows them better than I could ever hope to and He wants what is best for them, too.
2. My best truly may not be good enough. However, if I "search diligently, pray always, and be believing" then I have the Lord on my side. I know that my abilities can be augmented and that I can be made into what I need to be. I just temporarily forgot.
3. The school year isn't upon me quite yet. I have time to prepare. Time to work on my faith. Time to gear up.
I am eternally grateful that we have the opportunity to constantly re-learn when we lose sight and lose our way a little bit. I know that all things truly can, and do, work together for our good. I am most grateful not to ever be in this alone.
-- Abraham Lincoln
9 comments:
well said. Kids don't care all that much about the bulletin boards as they do about a teacher who cares about them. I say simplify your life and only worry about the things that are really important anyway, right? Seriously, I used to be an extreme perfectionist, but I have learned over the years that I need to let go a little bit. Good luck with the new school year!
Love the post. It's always good to re-learn things but I wish I would just remember them! Here's hoping you have another great class that makes all the stress worth it! :)
Wow, I can totally relate to that post!I told myself I'm not going to worry about school until August but I had my first "first day of school" nightmare last night haha.
Whit, I have been feeling everything you wrote about. School starts for me in just over 2 weeks. Again, I am so nervous and scared to be faced with another school year. I really appreciate what you wrote. It is true that I need to relearn a few things and hopefully can do so quickly. Thanks again for your insight, good luck with the bulletin boards :)
I love this post. Everything is so true! And crazy as it sounds, it makes me REALLY miss teaching already because of the kids. I'm so glad you have so many of my students they really are great kids I love them!
Whit, I loved this post. And I needed it. Especially number 2 on your list - that indeed sometimes our best may not good enough but it can be with His help. I started a new job on Monday. A real, new york city, international adoption job. It is so scary but I want to do it perfectly because I want to be anxiously engaged in this good cause. Change is hard but good :) I think those kids are so lucky to have you as their teacher and I would very much appreciate it if you could teach our kids K through 12 when that time comes. Thank you. Love you.
PS I love that you dressed up/danced like Miley Cyrus. You are adorable.
I understand the burdens of school teachers. My mom was a 3rd grade teacher for a hundred years and when it came time for my wedding day, she insisted on it occurring on a Saturday so she wouldn't have to get a sub for her class! Her precious class!! Ha ha! Loved this post, Whitney. You are a gem.
oh how i wish my little ones teachers could all be just like you. it is so hard to care so much. it would be easy to do the same lessons year after year and not tailor them to the new little spirits that enter your classroom this year. thank you for choosing the hard road and caring. you are wonderful!
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