We love our little Max, but becoming parents has been an Adjustment. With a capital A. Sometimes we feel like this...
I die laughing when I see the commercials for NBC's new series "Up All Night," and yet, strangely feel the urge to cry simultaneously because it's SO TRUE. I remember the first time that Jeff slept through the entire night because he had to return to work and I am ashamed to say that I was SO resentful as I watched him slumber peacefully. As a partial excuse, my hormones were crazy the first couple of weeks after being home and I was exhausted. Always. In fact, I still am! :) I dream I hear Max crying, have gotten up to check if he is still breathing many times, and yes - Jeff and I have had crazy, late-night conversations that make no sense and are way too embarrassing for this blog. "Are we dead?" It sometimes feels that way.
My body almost feels stranger to me now that it did when I was pregnant and I swear half my clothes are unwearable. Technically they fit, but they show what's left of what used to be a cute baby bump! And trust me, it's not cute once the baby's here! And while I may not have eaten the entire menu at Target's snack bar, I have become a fan of Sandy's new Daylight Donuts. Oh sheesh.
But seriously. It is hard to find time to take a shower, let alone do anything else. I am still mystified about how people can just get up and go with their baby each day because I have only gone somewhere with Max by myself ONCE. But I need to figure it out soon, because then you start to go stir crazy. I mean a girl can only watch so many all day marathons of Project Runway. But in order to leave the house, I need to actually get dressed! And don't even get me started on how people can have a second child especially while the first is still a toddler. I already had a dream that I had another baby and...let's just say that Max just might be an only child.
Like I said, Adjustment. I have pretty much run the gamut of emotions since returning home from the hospital...the good, the bad, and the ugly. Jeff and I will make plans to go somewhere with our little family and then cancel them because we are just. too. tired. I want to finish losing my last 5 lbs, but can't seem to drag myself to the gym when Jeff gets home. So logically, I stay home and eat DONUTS instead! I don't go shopping, because instead of the latest fashions, I display my son's bodily functions on my clothes.
I'm joking...but only partially. I have had my hard moments. It is sometimes hard to be at the beck and call of someone whose primary method of communication is crying. I find myself constantly trying to balance enjoying the present moment while also longing for the months down the road where I'm not so very tired and we can go out and do more things. For example, I already look back at Max's first pictures and am kind of sad at how much he's changed, and yet 5 seconds later I think "What does a date with my husband feel like?" I also feel as though I am trying to strike the balance between selfishness and meeting some of my own needs.
Through it all, my saving grace has been prayer. I have never before felt more keenly my Heavenly Father's awareness of me and my family. I have been brought to tears as I've felt His love for me and for Max. I have never uttered or thought so many prayers and seen them answered so quickly, even if it is "only" as Max's eyes finally close in sleep. (I put the word only in quotations, because at 3 AM this is a huge deal). So even though I might not have showered for 3 days, dream like a crazy person, and can fall asleep at a moment's notice, I am incredibly grateful for this experience.
And really, when I look at my sweet little son's face, the fatigue fades and I am filled with a love that I have never experienced before. Every second is so very worth it.
