We love our little Max, but becoming parents has been an Adjustment. With a capital A. Sometimes we feel like this...
I die laughing when I see the commercials for NBC's new series "Up All Night," and yet, strangely feel the urge to cry simultaneously because it's SO TRUE. I remember the first time that Jeff slept through the entire night because he had to return to work and I am ashamed to say that I was SO resentful as I watched him slumber peacefully. As a partial excuse, my hormones were crazy the first couple of weeks after being home and I was exhausted. Always. In fact, I still am! :) I dream I hear Max crying, have gotten up to check if he is still breathing many times, and yes - Jeff and I have had crazy, late-night conversations that make no sense and are way too embarrassing for this blog. "Are we dead?" It sometimes feels that way.
My body almost feels stranger to me now that it did when I was pregnant and I swear half my clothes are unwearable. Technically they fit, but they show what's left of what used to be a cute baby bump! And trust me, it's not cute once the baby's here! And while I may not have eaten the entire menu at Target's snack bar, I have become a fan of Sandy's new Daylight Donuts. Oh sheesh.
But seriously. It is hard to find time to take a shower, let alone do anything else. I am still mystified about how people can just get up and go with their baby each day because I have only gone somewhere with Max by myself ONCE. But I need to figure it out soon, because then you start to go stir crazy. I mean a girl can only watch so many all day marathons of Project Runway. But in order to leave the house, I need to actually get dressed! And don't even get me started on how people can have a second child especially while the first is still a toddler. I already had a dream that I had another baby and...let's just say that Max just might be an only child.
Like I said, Adjustment. I have pretty much run the gamut of emotions since returning home from the hospital...the good, the bad, and the ugly. Jeff and I will make plans to go somewhere with our little family and then cancel them because we are just. too. tired. I want to finish losing my last 5 lbs, but can't seem to drag myself to the gym when Jeff gets home. So logically, I stay home and eat DONUTS instead! I don't go shopping, because instead of the latest fashions, I display my son's bodily functions on my clothes.
I'm joking...but only partially. I have had my hard moments. It is sometimes hard to be at the beck and call of someone whose primary method of communication is crying. I find myself constantly trying to balance enjoying the present moment while also longing for the months down the road where I'm not so very tired and we can go out and do more things. For example, I already look back at Max's first pictures and am kind of sad at how much he's changed, and yet 5 seconds later I think "What does a date with my husband feel like?" I also feel as though I am trying to strike the balance between selfishness and meeting some of my own needs.
Through it all, my saving grace has been prayer. I have never before felt more keenly my Heavenly Father's awareness of me and my family. I have been brought to tears as I've felt His love for me and for Max. I have never uttered or thought so many prayers and seen them answered so quickly, even if it is "only" as Max's eyes finally close in sleep. (I put the word only in quotations, because at 3 AM this is a huge deal). So even though I might not have showered for 3 days, dream like a crazy person, and can fall asleep at a moment's notice, I am incredibly grateful for this experience.
And really, when I look at my sweet little son's face, the fatigue fades and I am filled with a love that I have never experienced before. Every second is so very worth it.
20 comments:
Whitney, you are seriously such a good Mom. I loved this honest, funny, sweet post. Hang in there and take good notes because I'm going to need them someday.
PS: my word verification on my last comment was TWINS. Hahaha. Weird.
I can relate to everything in this post. Thank you. Thank you for being real and honest. It is super hard and exhausting and every new mom goes through it. But few actually talk about it. And the few that talk about it make the others feel so much better that they aren't the only ones. Can't wait to meet the little guy!
I love this post but it makes me so scared for me!! :). I love the real honest emotion in the post. Thanks for spelling it all out, the good and the bad. And...I've been wanting to try that donought shop so thanks for the recommendation. That may get me out of bed for a drive one morning.
you're so cute Whit. I'm super happy for you. Hope you are holding up okay, I wish I had some words of advice for you... but I don't. I'm sure you are AMAZING. Thinking of you!
I'm so glad you're HUMAN! Whitney you are so cute and Max is darling. Things will get better and I actually think 2 is easier than 1!
Whitney, beautifully stated. Except that I have to admit that this post makes me scared to death. My biggest fear in life is babies of my own. I look up to you in many ways--Max is so very lucky to have a dedicated mom like you.
have a great day today :)
I felt the exact same way when Blake was born. I remember hating my husband as he slept and I tried to get our little one back to sleep. And the exhaustion is so hard to deal with! And while parenthood doesn't get easier, it does get better. I hated taking Blake out when he was a newborn. I was so worried he'd start screaming and I wouldn't know what to do. But you get over that pretty quickly because 1) the cabin fever sets in and 2) you realize babies fuss and you can't let it stop you from living life. Congrats!
It's like you took the words right out of my mouth! I am happy to say that I don't feel like this now.....but I did feel it! ALL OF IT!! The sleep resentment, the hormones, the anger, frustration and Joy all in 2 minutes. The shower thing makes me laugh cause I always wish I would've appreciated my showers more before children! What I didn't ever feel was "the last 5 lbs" of that I am completely jealous! You will get through it, and you will learn to get out of the house! Give yourself time, and be grateful that you don't HAVE to leave!!! love your BLOG!!
I think all moms can relate to how you are feeling! Just take your time getting used to things, and take advantage of being able to just be at home with one! I wish I lived closer so we could have a baby free night and eat ben & jerry's and watch friends :)
I love the way you put it. I remember feeling all these same feelings! All parents (even the old ones) are still trying to figure it out. The biggest surprise to me when I had Tate was the constant feeling of being worried. Worried that he is eating enough, sleeping enough, that I'm giving him enough attention... and all the worry will never go away. Now I worry if I'm disciplining him the right way, teaching him enough, Parenthood if HARD HARD work! (I think the newborn stage is the hardest!!!) You are a great mom!
you have basically described the first freaking year i had with my sweet halle. the girl did not sleep and i am realizing with my second it is partly because she was a bad sleeper and partly because i was so paranoid about everything as a first time mom. every little noise sent me running for her crib. i spent the first 5 months of her life on an air mattress by her crib and then the next few on the couch so we wouldn't wake wes while he was in school. i was a grump, a frump, and really didn't dig motherhood all that much. i honestly wondered if i could do it again. the scriptures were very healing for me. seriously, there was nothing better at calming me down and getting me in touch with that mother heart that i knew was somewhere inside my exhausted and slightly flabby body. singing primary songs as i rocked halle up and down our short hallway in wymount also helped because the words helped me to remember this sweet child in my arms was our Heavenly Father's child long before she was mine and should be treated as such. And then Halle finally slept through the night just in time for me to get pregnant again and oh my goodness i was terrified of reliving that whole first year with another baby and a toddler. but things were so much different the second time around. partly because lily is a better sleeper and partly because i just chilled out. With Lily I expected NOT to sleep. I made sure I had books and trashy television (my show of choice during that first month and a half was "The Hills") all ready for the middle of the night so when she was awake I was expecting it and found myself enjoying it a little bit more. and I know so many people are COMPLETELY against this, but I started co-sleeping with Lily and I feel like it has made all the difference. She personally sleeps a lot longer with a warm body near her. Am I messing her up later? I have no idea but for now we are sleeping fantastic. And as far as getting out of the house with a baby sometimes it just isn't happening and most days showers just aren't happening either. definitely hard to roll with the punches on that one, but trust me things get so much better! you are doing fantastic and you are wonderful and your baby is absolutely beautiful. i will be the first to tell you that sometimes babies suck. but mostly they are absolutely the most wonderful miracle that will ever happen in your life and you'll miss the little baby stages so much you just might have another one.
i love reading your posts on motherhood. abigail was the easiest baby ever to come to this earth. good eater, incredible sleeper, and only cried for a combined 2.5 minutes her whole first month. days and days and days without crying. ever. there is no freaking way i'm getting that lucky again... sooooo i'm a little nervous about future children. to say the least. ;-)
ps- my word verification word was "quadruplets."
just kidding. ;-)
love you.
I laughed all the way through this post. Thanks for being so honest.
What a fabulous post. It is good to hear a "real" perspective on motherhood. The ups, the downs, and everything in between. My favorite is that you end with how much you love Max. That is just how it should be too :)
You are a beautiful writer, Whitney! Keep it up. You wrote so well exactly how I felt during Jed's first 8 weeks of life. I was up every two hours with him! But I PROMISE, it does get easier! It took me at least six months to really adapt to being a mother, being at the beck and call of a tiny person, always holding, feeding, rocking, being responsible on someone else's timetable. Someday it will become second nature. And you WILL shower and feel like yourself again. And you WILL lose those last five (sheesh!!!) pounds. (I had 15 to lose!) I nursed and exercised and by the time Jed was nine months old, I was skinnier than I was pre-baby. Good news, isn't it? I'm sure you will be that way too. Best wishes! I'm sure you are a wonderful mother!
Whitney this post made me laugh! Being a new parent myself, I know exactly what you mean. It definitely is worth every minute, but also a huge adjustment:) Max is so cute and I'm sure you are a great mom!!
Aww, Whit, you just took me back 17 months to when our Makenna was that little! You described the sleepless nights and feeling like a crazy person perfectly. Ha! And yes, it really is a huge adjustment, but like you said, so worth it and soo incredibly rewarding. :) Hang in there, it definitely gets easier as they get a few months older and you can have a good stretch of sleep at night. But they only stay small for so long, so cherish that sweet baby Max bundle!
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