A Secret Identity

Hello, dear void. Is there anyone still out there? I'm afraid I've gotten lost once more in the business of life, but have finally found my way back to blogland. I have lots to share about sweet Maxers, the holidays, and thoughts on this new year. But that's not what I'm sharing today.

I saw this drawing the other day and suddenly saw myself in it. No, not in the green underwear, blue tights, or cape, but rather in the caption next to it. I had become ANXIETY GIRL! I'm not quite sure when this transformation took place. I have not recently run inside any phone booths Clark Kent-style, nor was I bitten by a radioactive spider a la Spiderman. No, this new secret identity snuck up gradually and most unwantedly. I'm pretty sure that it inched its way into my life during many sleepless nights, some big life changes, some troubles with my little boy, and some post-holiday blues.

Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and wondered, "How did I get here?" Coming face to face with this reality made me realize that my life has been out-of-balance lately and given me a lot to think about.

I realized that what I was feeling was discouraged. A low-down, sneaky emotion if I ever saw one! Besides making one turn inward, and causing self-doubt, its most corrosive quality is that it causes one to lose hope. Hope! That beautiful, uplifting hope that tells us, "tomorrow will be better, it will all work out in the end, you can change, and dang it, those jeans WILL fit someday!"

So, I've been working on sweeping out the discouragement from the corners of my life and letting a little life-giving hope light up the place.

Some days it's hard.

After all, our thoughts fall into habits too. Changing yourself can sometimes feel like a no-holds barred wrestling match. And just when you're making those small steps forward, you let your guard down in relief, and that sneaky DISCOURAGEMENT jumps in and wins the round.

But not the fight.

When Jeff and I were dating, he shared this talk with me from Elder Holland. It has been one of my favorites ever since. In it, he quotes F. Scott Fitzgerald as saying, "Trouble has no necessary connection with discouragement - discouragement has a germ of its own."

I remembered that "Anxiety Girl" is not my true secret identity. To be honest, I'm not exactly sure what it is yet. Sometimes, I catch glimpses of who it is I truly am and what my real secret powers are. I most often see these glimpses when I'm remembering to be grateful, or when I'm turning off the computer and dancing with my little boy, or taking care of things so that my husband can study, or reading my scriptures.

Slowly, but surely, hope is returning. And with it comes peace, joy, and contentment.

C.S. Lewis wrote, “Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.”

Like I said, I don't fully understand my secret identity yet. But the glimpses that I've seen make me certain that it does NOT have any spandex.

And that it's worth every bit of effort to uncover it.